I am struggling.
Grief. Sadness. Anger.
I hesitate to write about anything I am feeling, because I am here with my precious daughter, and I know there are many families in Connecticut that are in the depths of shock and darkness at the gruesome deaths of their small children, and others whose wives, sisters, and mothers were also killed in their attempts to protect the children.
Since arriving home late Friday and hearing the news of the horrific shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School, I have hugged my daughter even more than usual. I can only imagine the enormity of grief and sadness that the families are feeling. How does a parent wait at a firehouse for their children only to find out their child is not coming? How does that parent even take another breath?
Saturday we went to the grocery store for a few items needed to bake cookies with. The store was very busy. As we stood in line, we were surrounded by people and I suffered an anxiety attack as I looked around at all the faces and realized we were temporarily trapped and completely helpless if some act of terror were to occur.
I am struggling.
Why didn’t God stop Adam Lanza? I have no answer for that, but I’d like an answer. I saw a poster on facebook that was a “note” from God saying He didn’t do anything because the government kicked God out of schools. That is senseless blather. Man cannot keep God out of anywhere – I know that – and yet I am questioning why. Not why did this 20 year old decide to do this evil deed, but why did God allow these precious babies to be killed. They must have been so terrified. Just babies. I cannot imagine their terror.
On December 24, 2009, I wrote a post about Christmas Carols, and included a brief discussion of I heard the bells on Christmas Day – presently I am finding it difficult to move beyond this stanza:
And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”
I am struggling. I am frozen with the thought of going to work tomorrow and leaving my precious girl. I am struggling.